Per Ardua ad Astra

Va esto para los aficionados a los avioncitos que leéis el blog (o que leían, que no sé si siguen por ahí…). Como hacía mucho que no le daba rienda suelta a mi aerotrastorno (os aviso: dentro de poco me desquitaré con creces), aquí os van unas cuantas perlas de esas que uno atesora en el disco duro. No recuerdo de dónde las saqué; lo que sí sé es que las daban por verídicas. Nunca se sabe, pero son realmente buenas.

TWR: Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint! We have digital watches!

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it’s OK. He’s not hungry.

Acft: LHR Ground, Speedbird 123 request taxi.
GND: Speedbird 123, hold position, you’ll be following a Virgin with a tight slot.

TWR: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
TWR: Yes, what??
Pilot: Yes, Sir!

ARN851: Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000 requesting runway 15.
Halifax (female): Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…

O’Hare Approach Control: United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.
United 329: Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… «I’ve got that Fokker in sight.»

Cessna 152: Flight level three thousand, seven hundred
Controller: Roger, contact Houston Space Center

Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff
(…)
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure. By the way: as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Roger that, 702, break, National 63 cleared for takeoff. Did you copy the report from Eastern?
National 63: Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff. And, yes, we’ve already notified our caterers.

Pilot: Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.
Approach: Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.
Pilot: Approach, 202’s unable that descent rate.
Approach: What’s matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?
Pilot: Yup, but they’re for my mistakes. Not yours.

727’s pilot: Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?
Controller: Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.

ATC: «ABC 123, have you captured the localiser?»
A/C: «Negative… but we have it surrounded!»

ATC: «Clipper 123, what’s the turbulence like at your level?»
123: «Well… how shall I put it? The Captain’s just stuck his fork up his nose.»
ATC: «TWA 789, what’s the turbulence like at your level?»
TWA: «I don’t know, we haven’t eaten yet.»

Aer Lingus inbound to Frankfurt, where they land on parrallel runways served by a single ILS. You don’t know which runway you’re going to land on until the last minute – not that our heroes know this ….
EIN: «Frankfurt approach, Shamrock XYZ descending to FL50. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?»
FFM: «Shamrock XYZ turn left heading 100, descend FL40»
EIN: «Turn left heading 100, descend FL40. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?»
FFM: «Shamrock XYZ continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts.»
EIN: «Roger, continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?»
FFM: «Shamrock XYZ turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft.»
EIN: «Roger, turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft.»
EIN: «Frankfurt, Shamrock XYZ. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?»
FFM (really fed up): «I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT.»
AL: «Roger… is there anything else important you’re not going to tell me?»

«Air France 1234, Confirm are you an Airbus 330 or 340?»
«A340, of course…»
«In that case, would you mind switching on the other two engines and try giving me 1000 foot per minute or better, rate of climb?!»

ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango
check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked – all are working

Overheard from Chicago Center: N1234A, Center: climb like your life depended on it… ‘cause it does.